


Sick

by Decemberdaisies



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Body Image, Boy x boy, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn, Supportive Richie Tozier, The Losers Club, Weight Issues, anorexic Eddie Kaspbrak, chubby Eddie Kaspbrak, skinny Eddie Kaspbrak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2019-08-08 00:35:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16419065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Decemberdaisies/pseuds/Decemberdaisies
Summary: Eddie is sick, so sick. He doesn’t take pity because honestly, he wanted to be sick.TW: eating disorders.Also, don’t come for me if you think this is inaccurate. This is based on my experience with eating disorders that I’m still going through. If you think it will trigger you, don’t read. Stay safe <3





	1. Boys like pretty people.

When it starts, Eddie is five years old and he has a crush on a boy. He doesn’t really know what it means to be skinny or fat, but mommy certainly does. She points out every overweight person they pass on the street, commenting that they’ve “had one too many trips to the snack bar.” Ironic.

 

When Eddie is in kindergarten and he meets Richie Tozier, he decides he wants to be thin because apparently, boys like thin people. Eddie doesn’t do anything at first, he doesn’t know how a diet works, but the thought sticks with him. Boys like thin people.

As he grows up, he learns what a diet is, what calories are, and the concept of weight and BMI. By the time he turns eleven, he knows what anorexia is, and he wants it. He watches the documentaries, he reads the books, he studies the symptoms and the causes and the whowhatwhenwherewhy.

Somewhere between when he learned the word thin at five, and the word anorexia at eleven, Richie became his best friend.

Eddie knows he doesn’t deserve Richie.

Richie who loves to pinch his cheeks and his sides and tell him that he’s “cute cute cute”. Richie whose BMI has most likely never been over 18. Richie who makes him hate himself without even doing anything.

When Eddie turns thirteen, he decides that this is it. He will lose the baby fat, he will learn how to properly starve himself. He has tried, he has failed and given up countless times, but he’s a teenager now. A kindergarten crush somehow turned into eighth grade love and Eddie knows he’s fucked because he is in love with Richie, and he needs Richie to love him, but boys like thin people, so if anorexia is what it takes, so be it. He knows its fucked up to want an eating disorder, he knows its wrong, but it has become his obsession.

To be thin and frail and look a little bit like he’s dying.

For Richie to not only think he’s cute, but thin, tiny, delicate, perfect.

To maybe, just maybe, make his mother proud.

Sonia does nothing but feed the flame, while she tips the scale at almost 300 pounds, she has no problem with belittling her son for his weight. Eddie is built to be just a little bit chubby. He’s short, and not even all that heavy, just compact.

If you asked Richie, he would say its adorable.

But Eddie knows its not true.

 

December 14th, 1990

Fourteen-year-old Eddie Kaspbrak is afraid to look at the scale. Over the last year, he has done nothing but lose and gain the same 10 pounds over and over again. Doing this wasn’t easy. The countless nights he couldn’t fall asleep because of the hunger pains, the stomach acid that left his teeth eroded and his throat torn up, the hours upon hours he has spent crying simply because of self-hatred.

Eddie knows it wasn’t worth it, but he can’t stop now.

127.4

Eddie hopes the scale is broken because he needs the number to be less. He hasn’t eaten in 3 days and he’s only a pound down? Bullshit. So, he steps on the scale again. And again. And again.

The number doesn’t change, Eddie feels like a failure. His goal is to be 110 by Christmas. 11 days to lose 17 pounds. If he does it, he’ll let himself have peppermint hot chocolate with Richie and god he wants that.

Everyone is worried. Bill tires to share his lunch with Eddie at school, Mike straight up tells him he needs to eat more, hell, even stone-faced Stan has said a few things. Everyone is worried, except Richie. Its not at all that he wants Eddie to starve himself to lose weight, he literally just didn’t notice. He makes an excuse in his head for everything he does notice because he doesn’t want to believe that his Eddie was hurting himself.

But he is.

Richie doesn’t understand how Eddie couldn’t see how cute he is, do he just assumes he does. His soft brown curls, and round honey colored eyes, and the freckles that perfectly grace his lightly tanned, pinchable cheeks. Eddie is 5 feet and 3 inches of perfection.

He loves how much Eddies appearance contrasts his own lanky form and dark hair and pale skin. He and Eddie fit perfectly together.

Richie loves Eddie


	2. Diner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie takes Eddie to a diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter actually fucking sucks and I’m sorry. TW bulimia.

December 15th, 1990

Eddie is awoken suddenly by a pounding at his front door. He waits for his mom to answer the door, but the knocking continues for one, two, five minutes, and Eddie finally forces himself out of the warmth of his bed and answers the door.

He opens the door to find Richie in all his awkward glory. His black winter coat too large, yet too short. His coke bottle glassed askew, and his black waves messy. Eddie looks up at him with an unamused expression and Richie grins back at him, showing all his crooked teeth.

“What do you need?” Eddie asks, agitation obvious in his voice.  
Richie winks at him. “You” he says. Eddie scoffs at the fake flirting.

Sometimes it hurts when Richie does that, because Eddie knows it’s a joke, but sometimes he can pretend its real and smile too.

“Seriously, asshole. It’s 8:00AM on a Saturday. Why are you here.”

Eddie is glad he’s there.

“Well, Ed’s, I’m glad you asked. For we are going on an adventure!” Richie tells him in an atrocious British accent.

Eddie sighs and stares at Richie for at least 10 seconds before finally giving in. “I’ll go get dressed” He reluctantly tells the taller boy.

Eddie shuts the door, leaving Richie outside. “Mom, I’m going out with Richie!” he yells to Sonia, all he gets is a grumble in reply.

Eddie wants to look nice for Richie, or, as nice as he can. He throws on loose, light blue jeans, a yellow long sleeve, and a red puffy jacket. Since it gets cold in Maine during winter, he decides to wear his black scarf and matching hat. He quickly slips on some boots and runs down to Richie.

Richie smirks when he sees Eddie. “You are bundled up, aren’t you.” He says, chuckling. Eddie frowns and punches Richie’s arm. “Excuse me for not wanting to get hypothermia.” Richie pats Eddie on the head. “You won’t be too cold once we get where we’re going.” Eddie raises an eyebrow. “And where is that?” Eddie asks. “The diner. My parents gave me allowance so I wanted to do something fun with my favorite person named Eddie.”

Fuck. It really is so sweet that Richie wants to take him out, but to a diner? Couldn’t they have gone somewhere that didn’t serve food? Eddie doesn’t know what to do or say, so he just stumbles out a quick ‘thank you’ and smiles weakly up at Richie.

Eddie hasn’t eaten in 34 hours and he isn’t going to ruin his fast now, for some soggy fries and a shitty burger, even if it is for Richie. He’ll order a diet coke and tell Richie he has a stomach ache, it’s not exactly a lie.

Richie will probably say that it’s because he’s hungry and make him eat anyways.

Nobody can make him eat. He’s his own person, he can say no.

But he doesn’t say no.

He eats.

He eats a huge cheeseburger and side of fries and the giant strawberry milkshake Richie orders for them to split. He drinks a regular coke, not a diet, and he loves every minute of it. Until the last bite when he realizes what he did, but Richie just smiles and reaches across the table to stroke his hand.

“Was it good?” Richie asks. Eddie chokes a bit on his own saliva. “Yeah, thank you Rich. I just need to use the restroom really quick.”  
“Don’t forget to wash your hands!” Richie yells after him.

Eddie makes a B-line for the bathroom and drops to his knees in front of a toilet. He shoves his middle and pointer finger down his throat and gags, tears forming in his eyes. He coughs up a little bit of thick, brown mush at first, then pulls his saliva cover fingers out of his mouth momentarily, before shoving them back in, a whole stream of vomit rushing out of his mouth. He does this a few more times until he’s just dry heaving.

When he steps out of the stall, he washes his mouth, face, and hands. Everything is okay again.


	3. God is dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddies relationship with religion isn’t the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter. I wanted to try to redeem myself since the last one wasn’t that good.

December 16th, 1990

Eddies earliest memory is of him and his mother in a church. Eddie is three years old and wrapped in a tiny suit. He had been sitting in the pews silently for what seemed like hours to his young mind, and he was getting restless, not to mention hungry.

He looked over to his mother, thinner than she is now, only just starting to gain weight after Eddies father had left them.

He lifts his chubby little fist and tugs on her dress sleeve. “Mommy, I’m hungry.” He says just a little louder than he should have. She looks at him but doesn’t respond. He tugs harder. “Mommy, I’m hungry.” He tells her again. This time when she looks at him, she hisses through her teeth “shut up.”

Eddie flinches backwards slightly.

He was a sensitive kid, still is, so he couldn’t help it when the tears began falling from his eyes.

When the service is over, Sonia grabs his hand without a word and tugs him to the car.

“Edward Kaspbrak, do you think what you did in there was okay?!” she all but screams at him. Eddie looks confused, but she continues. “We were in church, I don’t give a damn if you’re hungry! You could have waited. Did you see how many people turned to look at us? You’re an embarrassment.” Eddie gapes at her, tears form in his eyes all over again. “Mommy, I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it.” Sonia cackles humorlessly. “I’m sure you didn’t. god, if you even think I’m letting you have another meal today.”

Eddie interrupts her, a big mistake.

“But Mommy, I really am h-”

Sonia slaps him hard against the face.  
He still remembers the feeling of her wedding ring that she refused to take off slamming against his cheek. That was the first time she ever hit him.

Needless to say, he doesn’t like church.

But every Sunday, he puts on a suit, and he sits next to his mother in the pews for an hour. Sonia says its important to stay close to god.

Eddie is almost positive that God is dead.

He almost hopes that heaven doesn’t exist, he knows he wouldn’t get in, his entire existence is built on blasphemy, but so is Richie’s. maybe they can go to hell together and live happily ever after.

This Sunday is particularly bad. As the priest speaks of the Father, Son, and Holy spirit, Eddie can feel his throat closing up. He feels like there’s fire in his lungs, his breath becomes staggered, and he starts to wheeze. He takes a puff of his inhaler and he feels better, but when he looks at his mother, he can see how her jaw has tightened. He should have just let himself choke.


	4. I swear to you, I just need to sleep

January 14th, 1991 

 

"I need to get drunk" Eddie has been doing that quite a bit lately. Almost every weekend, Richie will come over, he and Eddie will take a few shots each of whatever the fuck they can find in Sonia's cupboard thats at least 40%, Eddie will always drink more than Richie. Sometimes, Richie doesn't even drink. He'll just sit with Eddie and make sure he stays safe and isn't too loud. 

Richie doesn't respond, just takes the cigarette Eddie has between his fingers and takes a drag. Eddie repeats himself"I need to get drunk, like, now." Richie nods.

So that's why, two hours later, Eddie is standing on a stool in his moms pantry, mixing whisky and gin together in a big, plastic water bottle while Richie makes sure Sonia isn't coming. They sit on Eddie's bedroom floor and take huge sips of the mixture, washing it down with a sugar free energy drink after each mouthful. Eddie drinks way too much. The alcohol hits him almost instantly and pretty soon, he convinced Richie to walk with him to Stan's house, completely ignoring the fact that he himself can barely stand up at this point. 

Stan's house isn't far, only a few houses down, but Richie still has to keep a hand on his back to keep him from falling over. When they do get there, every light in the house is off, but Eddie knocks on the door anyways. Stan answers, thank god his parents are away. Eddie almost instantly collapses in to his arms. Stan drags him over to the sofa and Eddie starts to sob. "I'm sorry i'm so heavy Stan" he all but wails out. "Hey, hey Eddie. Eddie listen, you're not heavy okay. Please, I need you to tell me what you took." Eddie shook his head. "He's just drunk, he's too drunk" Richie slurs slightly. Eddie blacks out for however long but when he wakes up his head is in the toilet and Stan is rubbing his back. he tries to lay back on the floor, but Stan won't let him. He sees Richie standing outside the door, Bill is there too. "Eddie, you cant lay down. you'll choke, okay." Eddie thinks hes nodding, hes not sure. "Can I please use my hands, I need to throw up but It's not coming fast enough, let me use my hands please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I love you. I love you too Richie and I love Bill. I'm sorry" Stan isn't really sure what to do. "Yes you can use your hands, be careful." Eddie shoves almost his entire hand down his throat but he can barely see anything coming up. "I'm sorry I'm so fat and you had to drag me probably you dragged me and I'm sorry that i'm so heavy Stan." Eddie is majorly slurring his words "Eddie, you're okay. don't be sorry. you're not fat" Eddie throws up some more, and the next morning he assumes that he blacked out because he remembers nothing from after that. 

He woke up the next morning to Richie laying next to him in Stan's bead, petting his hair. He hurt everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first, this is so short and bad im sorry. this is literally just something i'm putting in here because i havent updated in forever. this is basically just what happened to me last night except my parents were involved and there was alot more detail but i just barely remember. also, i will be taking another update break after i try to write a better long chapter because im going to the hospital on monday for a two month IP stay and i wont have a phone or computer. okay anyways bye.


	5. Not a chapter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just have something to say lol

Hey y’all. I’m gonna preface this by saying I’m going to post a new chapter this week Yeehaw. I haven’t posted because I’ve been in treatment for my eating disorder at several different levels of care for the past few months and right now I’m really not okay. I just updated my other “fic” that’s less of a fic and more of me venting and copy pasting my own poetry but written as if it’s Patrick so check that out if you want. I’m also gonna update fantastic bastards tomorrow. I’m already like 3/4ths done with the next chapter. I’m sorry I haven’t updated, I’m just in a really really bad spot with my own ED. If you want to see more of my stupid rants my snap is haleylowry and my Instagram is haleysarahlowry lol. I love you all ❤️❤️

**Author's Note:**

> I swear, this will get better as I continue writing it.


End file.
